The Blindside

How do you announce a major life decision? Who should know, and when, and in what order, and to what degree?

These are questions that I've wrestled with over the last few weeks. I talked to my father first. (He is a vault. If you tell him something in confidence you can be sure it will stay confidential.) I talked to my sister second because she has been a partner with me working as my employee at the church for the last year plus. Then presbyter, certain close friends, mentors/pastors, my family, my inlaws, the church board individually then collectively, the church members individually then collectively. Always carefully widening the boundaries of who knows what. Carefully because I didn't want those that are affected the most by the decision finding out from those that are affected to a lesser degree. So a lot of agreements were made that the information would stay secret until the appropriate time. I have to tell you as someone that values transparency that I hated carrying the secret. And it disappointed me, though it didn't surprise me, when confidences were broken through misunderstandings, and misinformation got out to people ahead of my ability to meet with them personally. But that's the rumor mill, it's just the way things are. Overall, everyone was very helpful in keeping things appropriately quiet.

It turns out though that when the decision becomes public there are a lot more people that are shocked, surprised, even interested than you can think of. And there just is no soft way of saying I'm leaving the church I've founded, that you've given money and prayer support to, that some have just connected with, and that others were meaning to connect with. The expectations that come from that cloud of witnesses is something I've never had to deal with before. I maybe haven't handled it the best. I'm learning through this transition. I think generationally/technologically there is probably some difference to the dissemination of information. Those of a previous generation seem to be more private. To them openly discussing my thoughts and feelings on a website is probably unfamiliar at best, totally inappropriate at worst. It certainly speeds up the process. In years gone by a pastor could leave a church and it take months, maybe years for that news to move through channels of interpersonal discussion. Now I type it, Twitter repeats it, Facebook announces it and I have people states away sending me messages expressing their reaction. (Appreciated btw) I guess in some way I feel this gives direction to the rumor mill because at least there is a place where people can hear from the horses mouth.

I know that my announcement has blindsided many. It was not my intention to hurt or confuse anyone. As I've said and written I'm available to answer questions you may have. Change is unsettling, often it is easier to deal with if we have the blanks filled in, as it were. I'd be happy to do that.

--Ben